matilda-'s Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What I'd wanted To snuggle up on the couch and watch Gilmore Girls every week. That's what I think about when I think of him. I could daydream about what it would be like with him. I could sometimes picture myself 5 years from now in that life. But it always comes down to that stupid show. What did I want after my feelings changed? Did they change? How did they and why did they? Why is it there are more questions in life than answers? I wanted a friendship like his and Tori's. This isn't possible he says. He'll try to make time to say hello, chat every once in a while. He sounded like he was doing me a favor. I thought at least out of all of this we had become friends. That's what I get for thinking. Out of all of us it was Tori I'd least expected him to give the boot. As she once said "I just adore the snot out of the little poop". Was it yesterday he'd sent me an email saying she was "likable and lovable" ? She's tore up over this. She wouldn't have told me but when I'd called her house last night, her mom said she wasn't feeling too good. I could just barely make out the sound of her crying in the background. Being that it was 104 outside yesterday, I couldn't sleep. At midnight I came online and found her there. She didn't tell me everything, just that he was done with her. He said possibly done with the "whole lot" of us. I can't tell my mother. Or maybe she should be prepared for what may be coming. For now I don't know what to think or do. I keep looking at the phone waiting for it to say "New message, read now?" Waiting for my walking papers. So far there's been nothing, and I'm thankful for that. I figure telling Tori is where it should be left. Word will spread, we'll all get the hint and it will be over and done with. I worry most about mom. I don't know yet what he'll do with her. I don't know yet if indeed that's what he's doing...sending us all packing. Gone. Out of his life. More waiting. He's made so much progress with mom. More than some of her doctors even. For now I'll keep quiet about this. I think that's best for her. Rather, that's what's best for the moment. I really don't know. I've thought about this all night. Please no email telling me goodbye. Please no phone call telling me the same. Please let's leave it where it is. I cried for Tori last night. She wanted to talk about anything but that. I was ok with anything she wanted. This morning I'll begin my day with stretches and a walk through the grounds. I'll pause every so often, some thought will pop into my head, I'll reflect upon the last couple of years. I'll take a deep breath. I figure I'll be doing alot of that today...holding it in until the gray passes. Walking papers... if that's what it is. Consider myself served.
06:01 - Thursday, Jun. 06, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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